A Moment in an Eating Disorder's Mind

Eating disorders are so misunderstood. Mostly due to the fact, that they are so secretive, and those struggling with them are embarrassed/ashamed to share. Even after all this time, I myself, do not completely understand. I know many are wondering what it is like for those with an eating disorder, and why they don't just stop the silly behavior. I am going to do something that I have not done before, and that is to share a journal excerpt from a few weeks before my first hospitalization. Meaning, near one of the hardest times for me with the eating disorder. The struggle to get rid of the disorder is very evident here.

January 1st, 1996
I hate this! Is it ever, ever, ever going to end? Why do I do this to myself? I'm causing way too many problems, and hurting too many people! Everyone is so fed up with me - I don't know where to turn or go. I love my parents so much, and I absolutely can't stand what I am doing to them. Why? Why can't I change? I've just yet ruined another meal. I hate myself for making others get upset so much. Do they understand how hard it is to change? It is SO FRUSTRATING! I know what to do and I think I can do it, but when I try to do it something stops me. What is it that's in the way? How am I ever going to get better? It is so weird...sometimes I think all is okay but at times like this it seems like there is no way out. I want to know if anyone truly understands. Where is my life headed? Why do I have to go through this? This seems like a never ending roller coaster- will I ever get through it? I feel so weird lately, so cluttered. I don't know what I think, want or wish anymore. Everything I do I am not satisfied. It's like I have millions of thoughts running through my mind, and I can't focus on any of them. Problems seem to have magnified by 100 times, and are cluttering my head. I wish that I could go away, far, far away. I just want to take a break from everything. I have to weigh 100 lbs. on Wed. the 3rd, and I know that I'm no where near it. I'm ruining my life, and I have no idea why. I've lost touch with God, and I want to go back to Him, and I hear Him calling me, but the path is covered in a thick fog. My life has become such a mess. I lie a lot, I am very moody and my thinking process has changed. I'm searching for something, and I'm not sure what. Maybe God, but I thought I already knew Him. I don't think I'm as close to Him as I try to appear. I have become such a snot towards my parents. I don't want to do the things I do. Whenever I get ready to fall and give it all to God, I get really close to doing it, and then something grabs me, and pulls me back down. I want to know what has such a control over me...Satan? Constantly there is a battle raging inside of me- it wears me down. I feel like I'm being pulled in 100's of different directions. I'm also worried...I don't want my sister to watch and do the same thing-it's too scary! At times like this I want so bad to just give up-run away or sleep forever. But yet I know that realistically that won't solve a thing. But this just seems to great to overcome. What is it going to take for me to get better? I don't want to go to some hospital. I wish I never had to go through this. Only time will tell.

Struggling with an eating disorder, and truly wanting to be free, was such an overwhelming battle. I can not even put into words how controlling the entire situation was. I felt powerless to change. Maybe it was because I was looking at the whole picture and trying to figure it all out instead of how recovery happened....one small step at a time. Whatever the case may be, the journey to freedom was a good 6 years long, and much was lost, yet much was gained. Maybe the key to getting a better understanding of eating disorders, and those issues that plague us, is to open up and be real ......share with others our battles. We may be surprised what we learn,the many ways that we grow, and who we may meet along the way.

THE SCALE

(image from natural health pharmaceutical)

THE SCALE. Dread. Fear. Insecurity. Competition. Failure. Panic. Nothing but doom and gloom!

When I saw this scale image while I was searching for a picture, I just had to pick it because of the irony it represented. Seriously, a bow on something that generally brings to mind ominous feelings! Upon examining this photo I thought of a few things.... like I mentioned, wrapped with a bow made from a measuring tape. Hmmm. As if to say measuring yourself is going to bring you feelings of joy. Or maybe you could look at it in more of a realistic way for most....you are going to be tied down, imprisoned by this object, and it is literally going to weigh you down! Now I realize, that the scale in and of itself, is not an object to be feared, but the control it can take over our sense of worth is to be feared.

There are times when a scale is a beneficial and almost a necessary object. As a mother, I think back to when my boys were infants, and how the scale helped me to know that indeed my babies were eating enough and that their bodies were absorbing the nutrients properly. Since babies are obviously unable to tell you these things, it does become almost necessary to see it on a scale. In general though, the scale really is not necessary, and ends up doing more harm than good. Why do we get on the scale? To see how much we weigh, right? Why? Is that going to alter something?

When I think of the scale, I have mixed emotions. At this point in my life, I feel freedom from it. No longer does it weigh me down. But that has not always been the case. Before I was really struggling with anorexia, the scale was a gauge to see how my body was responding to the physical activity that I was participating in. Then as the number got lower, I felt a sense of power and accomplishment. As I got further and further into weight loss, the power I felt at the beginning was now replaced with a power over me. The scale could never say the right thing to make me feel good. Obviously if I gained weight, that was bad, yet it was also not enough no matter what I lost. If I did lose a little, it gave me momentary pleasure, that soon was replaced with a nagging voice telling me it was not enough. Then in the depths of my eating disorder, the scale filled me with fear. Would I weigh enough when I went to the doctor or nutritionist? If I didn't, then what was going to happen? During my hospitalizations, the scale became a very important factor for the doctors. It told them whether I was gaining my health back or not. So in that case it was beneficial and necessary. Never during that time, was I shown my weight though, and that was the start to my freedom from the scale. For many years after that I would not step on the scale, and learned to accept me without the # on the scale identifying me. Since that time I have made peace with the scale, and do step on it from time to time, but I don't want to fool you into thinking that I have mastered my body image and never do I struggle, because I am human and have plenty of moments of doubt.

The why of the scale...what is it that pushes you to step on the scale, daily, weekly, or maybe several times a day? What are we looking for? Are we fooled into thinking that if the number is where we have deemed ideal, that we will now be able to accept ourselves? Let me challenge you with the truth...No matter what it says, it will never be enough, if that is where we are seeking to find acceptance of ourselves. Even if and when you reach that # goal, you will almost always find something else that you think is not right with you. The ultimate goal is to get rid of the scale altogether, but for some, this is just too drastic, or maybe for true health reasons you do have to be on a scale. I just want to challenge your thinking on why you get on the scale, and if it is beneficial in accepting who God made you to be. If it has become an idol, or something you are imprisoned by, my prayer is that you will be able to make peace with the scale and yourself!

"We need to agree with God that when He created us, He created something good!"

Joyce Meyer

You Are Called Friend

We all are familiar with the sayings "A friend sticks closer than a brother", and "a friend loves at all times", but what is a friend, really? Friends are not always friends for life. Through the seasons of our lives, friends may change. Some may be closer than others, some may truly understand you, and some may just be there for you when the times are tough, or to celebrate the joys. For me, the meaning of friend has really changed throughout my life this far. The early elementary years, were filled with bittersweet memories. There were many kids in our neighborhood, but I seemed to be the odd one out, or the one that was picked on, and then later invited over when no one else was around. Then we move on to junior high, and again, with girls especially, two is company, but three is a crowd. I just never knew what to expect each and every day. Would I be the friend, or not? But I really did have at least one good friend at a time during these phases in my life. Someone that I shared the changing of season with. Time moved on, and throughout high school and beyond, things got rough with my eating disorder, but friends were still plentiful, and very supportive......those that really cared to help you along. Friendship does not always end well....people change, move, or just plain disappoint you, and then we once again seek that bond with another again. Life seems to get a little more complicated into adulthood, with families and jobs, making finding that deep friendship with another a little harder to come by.

Why does friendship seem to be such an important thing for most of us? When God created us, He meant for us to fellowship with one another, and bear one another's burdens. After Adam was created, God said that it was not good for him to be alone, so He created Eve. Remember David and Jonathan, or the sisters Mary and Martha, and Paul and all 12 of the disciples. Plenty of places in scripture friendship is demonstrated on almost a necessary level. That is why we were all created so uniquely...to become the body of Christ that we were meant to be. To minister to one another, and the rest of the world.

Getting back to "what is a friend?". Generally we think of friend in the terms of: one who is there no matter what; who listen without judgement; someone who tells us the truth, not just what we want to hear; encourages us when we are down; someone who shares a lot of laughter with us, and cries with us when the need arises; someone who just truly values the who in you. On the flip side, friends are able to disappoint, or judge, or even just walk away, and then what? While earthly friendship is of great value, we are so blessed to have a friendship that is everlasting. One that will not judge, even when our flawed characteristics shine through. "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise;you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down;you are familiar with all my ways." Psalm 139:1-3 God know all about us, and guess what?!? He calls us friend! There is no greater friendship that I can think of than one with the perfect God, who knows all about me, and desires nothing less than the best for me. He is not jealous, easily angered, or changing. He is constant, ever present, my comfort, and my redeemer. The list is endless. This is by far the most valuable friendship that one could ask for.

Knowing that we have a never ending friendship with the one true God, let us not forget to cultivate that relationship, by spending time with our Friend and Maker, Jesus Christ.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. .....I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you......"John 15:13-16

The Worry War

The worried cow would have lived 'til now

If she had saved her breath.

But she feared her hay wouldn't last all day

So she mooed herself to death.

(author unknown)

If I had to personally pick one of my worst flaws, it would be worry! It is something that I have struggled with forever. The problem is as a child of God, worry is not just a flaw, it is a sin. That is right, a sin! What exactly is worry? The dictionary describes it as, to torment with cares and/or anxieties. Torment seems like such a harsh word, but as a matter of fact when I am truly worried, I do feel tormented! The Bible commands us in Matthew chapter 6 that we are not to worry. Once we received Jesus as Lord of our life, we are made a new creation, to be modeled after the likeness of the character of Jesus. No where in scripture is Jesus stated as being a worrier, so neither are we to be. We are to trust on the life giving character of God.

Why is the war of worry so hard to overcome? We have the Spirit of God living within us, yet we still stumble and fall. We are a new creation with new thoughts and attitudes, yet the sinful nature of our flesh still exists. It does not control us per say, but we still have to choose not to walk in it's destructive path. I see worry as stemming from a desire to be in control. The things we tend to worry about are usually the unknowns, or out of our controls. For most, dwelling on the what ifs, or going through every possible scenario makes us feel prepared for whatever may come our way. How much time gets wasted on stewing over the possibilities instead of resting in the truth that God only wants the best for us! We are given the power of Christ within us to overcome the worry in us. We are responsible to choose to loose the power of God in our lives. It is a decision to choose God's voice, over the lies of Satan. Satan does not want us to rest in the peace that only God can bring. Isaiah 12:2 says, "Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation". Notice that first the writer states that the God IS my salvation, then the He has BECOME my salvation....first was knowledge, then came believing and acting upon that knowledge.

How are we to win the war with worry? Let's take worry at face value, and see it as a sin. Then we should proceed to deal with it accordingly. Bring it to the cross, where it was abolished once and for all, and lay it Jesus' feet. Seek forgiveness, and truly despise the sin and the effects it has on our lives. Turn and walk away. Next time worry comes knocking at our door, let's decide to choose to loose the power of God within us, and pick the way of truth and peace instead of worry. "Lord, when I start to worry, please give me the strength to choose your way, instead of the way of the flesh. Amen."

"Worry is not our 'bag', so we don't pick it up."

Janice Wise

Who Are You?

This simple question can provide a vast variety of answers. If someone asked you to describe who you are, how would you respond? Generally, when asked, I would probably answer with my name, I am married with 2 boys, I live in MN, I help my husband in his line of work, and I take care of our home. When describing other people we might also mention things like....haircolor, age, gender, career, kids/no kids, married/single, ethnic background, tall/short, activities they are involved in, where they go to church, who they know, and their overall personality. While these are great for describing the overall exterior shell of a person, they really only give you a glimpse of the Who in them.

What if we answered people with information on what we perceive of ourselves in that moment? By chance it was a very productive day we could say that we are driven, task oriented, and man I am proud of my ability to get things done! Maybe the day was less than optimum, we would probably be more inclined to feel...I am a failure, I am unable to accomplish anything, I am headed no where in life, and no one cares what happens to me! What kind of response would we get? I have always found it kind of absurd that we tend to ask people, "How are you?", when greeting them, and we know that the answer is almost always going to be something along the lines of, "I am doing fine.". That answer is pretty much guaranteed whether or not the person is fine, because in general we really are not wondering how they are, but just casually greeting them. I have been tempted on occasion to answer with a very detailed, heart felt answer, just to see the reaction of the other person. Even though we do not usually answer people's question of "who are you?", with a current inventory of our feelings, it would reveal a little bit more of who we think we are.

Describing yourself in either of those ways, is in fact, a temporary description. Those things that we identify ourselves with to others, are true, but they are things that could very easily change in a moments notice. You could lose your job, experience a death, dye your hair, or change your mood. What if instead, we learned to describe ourselves in a way that is never changing? A permanent identity as a child of God. How we experience and view life would drastically change, if we really believed in our heart Who We Are. So often we let others and past experiences define who we are, and then we live according to those things. Let's make a change and look past that so called "identity", and focus on the wonderful truths of who we are as a child of God!

John 1:12 I am God's child
John 15:15 I am Christ's friend
Romans 5:1 I have been justified
1Cor. 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body
Eph. 1:1 I am a saint
Col. 2:10 I am complete in Christ
2Tim. 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind
Rom. 8:35 I cannot be separated from the love of God
1John 5:18 I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me
Col.1:14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins
Phil. 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven
1Cor. 3:16 I am God's temple
Eph. 2:10 I am God's workmanship
1Cor. 6:20 I have been bought with a price; I belong to God
Phil. 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

(Thanks to Neil T. Anderson's book Who I Am In Christ, for the list of scripture references)

Mirror...

Today I thought I would share the great lyrics to Barlow Girl's song MIRROR that I have playing on this blog. What an inspiration to overcome that which we let define us so often. Enjoy!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?,
yeah I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me, yeah,

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?,
yeah I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try

You don't define me, you don't define me

Incomparable

One of the synonyms for unique is incomparable. We all know that we are unique, but to think of it in terms of incomparable, that puts a little different twist on it.

Imagine for a few moments that all the women in the world looked identical, and all the men looked identical also. First instinct is to think, "Now we are all equal, and there will be no more jealousy from comparing to others". Well, in fact, I believe that we would be wrong. There is something inside of us that longs to be different, better, or to just stand out from the crowd a bit. We are looking for an identity. If the people in the world were in fact created looking the same, it probably would not take long for people's inner qualities to start surfacing, hair to be shaved, unique clothes to be worn, and etc.... If we look back to Satan's beginnings, he was created beautiful, and wise, but that was not enough for him. He did not use what he was given to glorify God, he was using his gifts to elevate himself. I am pretty sure that most of don't set out to be different or noticed, just so we can elevate ourselves. Lets be honest though, are any of us trying to be more beautiful on the outside so that we can worship and glorify God better? The motivation is self-seeking, not God glorifying the majority of the time.


Thank goodness, God did in fact create us all differently. He made each of us with different qualities, to accomplish many unique things. It was on purpose. We have purpose in Him. Instead of focusing our energies on becoming like others, not just their looks but also their personalities, how much more satisfying it would be to focus on who we are in Christ. How many times have you set a goal and told yourself that once you reach that goal you will truly be content? If I just have this or that, or when I lose 10 pounds, or firm up my thighs then I will be okay with me... Upon setting that goal and then reaching it, was it enough? Was that the answer? One huge myth is that thinner=happier. I can attest to the fact that this is not true. In the midst of my weight loss with anorexia, I would have to say the opposite is true. You become so self focused, that you miss out on a lot. Thinking that you will truly be content through a self-seeking journey, does not lead to happiness, but quite frankly much disappointment. Romans 12 teaches us that we all were created with a unique set of gifts, and it is through knowing and using those gifts that our identity is found. There is great contentment in being able to use your gifts to give glory back to God.

Celebrate your uniqueness, remembering that incomparable is another word for uniqueness, and that means you are incapable of being compared to another.

"God gave you gifts and wants you to focus on your potential instead of your limitations."

author unknown

Dealing with the Deceiver

"When he lies he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

John 8:44

Today I received a phone call asking if I had any books on eating disorders that I could lend to a counselor and a family seeking help. Their young daughter, (I think she was around 13), is in the midst of an eating disorder, and they are seeking some insight on what is happening, and why her thinking is so irrational. Whenever I receive a phone call, or have a converstion with someone regarding these types of situations, I am filled with sorrow, and I'll admit some anger too. Why? Why does this happen? Why can't it be stopped before the disease spreads and infects the entire family? Why can't the person just stop this behavior? Remembering back to my struggle with anorexia, and as a Christian woman, I remember asking God "Why can't you just make this go away?". I knew He had the power to remove it, but I also knew that His time is not MY time. I know now, and I even thought this during my struggle, God has a plan and this is going to be used for his glory. But we still wonder "Why?", and "How?".

Eating disorders, and all other negative behavior, usually do not start out intentionally. It is more than likely some small decision, like just deciding to eat healthier or have one drink, but then some deceit takes root, and before you know it, there is a full blown problem on your hands. The problem may not surface as noticably as an eating disorder, it may be more subtle such as low self-worth. All in all, you are being led astray by false thinking. I think of that young girl, and how maybe she was just trying to lose a couple of pounds so her old jeans would fit. While that in itself is not a huge problem, the lies Satan is feeding her, are. The lies might be: "See you really are worthless, because most of the girls in your grade are taller and thinner", or "You can't even lose a couple of pounds, you are incapable of doing anything", or maybe "If you just looked like those women on TV and in magazines, you would be so much happier"! The scary part about eating disorders are, when you mess with your body through starvation or purging, you get a chemical imbalance, and this leads to irrational thinking, and there, a huge problem lies. That is part of the reason that eating disorders are so long lasting and out of control. You truly can' think straight, to recover, without regaining physical nourishment first. I'll share one example of how deceived I was...In the worst of my eating disorder I had moments, especially at night, when I knew there was a probable chance that I would not be alive in the morning, yet every morning when I woke up, I was able to think, well I must be fine, so I can just keep on doing what I've been doing without any problems. Seriously, anyone who knew me knew I was not fine, so why didn't I?

To this day, I still do not understand it all, but this much I am sure of. The power of God was with me the entire time, and I clung to the truth I knew to be true of Him, even in the darkest moments. Satan may have been doing his best to fool me, but the power of Christ is so much stronger!

Be encouraged! Memorize scripture, and cling to the promises of God in all areas of your life, whether seemingly insignificant, or monumental. Just remember "He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world". 1John 4:4

Acceptance

Accept-to regard as right

Let's be honest, we do not all wake up every morning and lovingly accept ourselves just the way we are. If we get down to the nitty gritty, and really pay attention to our thoughts throughout the day, they are not accepting of who we are right now. Not who we were, who we will be, or just plain who we wish we were, but who we ARE.

Why do you suppose it is that we do not regard ourselves as right? Perhaps you have been told on more than one occasion, or probably most common would be that you assume that other people do not regard you as right. I like to think of accept in the terms that you are perfectly great just as you are, all your so called "flaws", and all the positive stuff too. Getting back to the why.....hmmm, I think we find ourselves in a vicious cycle when we do not accept ourselves as is. When I say accept ourselves as is, I do not mean to not attempt to change those flaws that draw us away from Christlikeness, I am merely suggesting that we are to be content with the who of me. The different things that make us the individual we are. The parts that we are not accepting of, need to be identified and examined to see if they are not lining up with who we are in God's eyes, or who we are not in the world's eyes. The vicious cycle goes somewhat as follows: I am looking for my acceptance in the reactions of others, I am not getting the desired reaction or acceptance, now I will try to be what I think they would like me to be, then comes the jealousy that they have it but I do not, now I will just be judgemental and maybe even slander them in hopes to elevate myself. Whoops! Now I feel even more lousy, and I guess I will start it all over again in hopes to find that acceptance I so desire! That acceptance we so long for, really is an inside job after all. Why is it so hard for us to grasp?(myself included!)

Thankfully, "When God created man, he made them in the likeness of God. He created them male and female and blessed them. And when they were created, he called them 'man'." Gen. 5:1,2. We need not look without to find it, God created it. The acceptance comes from a sure knowing that God created you in His likeness and He is perfect, flawless, without error. That alone should do it for us, but since we are constantly bombarded with the onslaught of this world it clouds up the truth we know a bit. This truth in God's Word is something we need to keep on the forefront of our minds each and every day. If that is still a bit much for you to grasp, start where Pinocchio started, putting God in Geppetto's part and think, "Papa, I am not sure who I am. But if I am all right with you, then I guess I am all right with me". After all, God loves our honest confessions and He will meet us right where we are at. Have a blessed day knowing that you are regarded as RIGHT with God.

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God."

Romans 15:7

Running the Race

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24

Running a race conquers up many thoughts in one's mind. For some the words exhasuting, exhilarating, long, accomplishment, "I can't wait", or "never in a million years", is what may surface. Just as each of us has differing opinions on the thought of a race, so do each of us have a different race course set for us throughout our life. For some it may entail siblings or loneliness, marriage or divorce, children or an empty womb, many years of life, or the shattering loss of death. It may be wealth or famine, unending possibilites or many closed doors. The course of the race is every changing, you never know what lies around the next corner. For me part of that race involved several years of loss, frustration, loneliness, and much starvation due to my struggle with anorexia. Though unknowingly to me at the time, this part of my race would in fact impact much of the rest of the race that I was to run.

It is nearly impossible to go through a rough patch in life, to walk away without any lasting marks. They do not all need to be bad marks, but marks that change they way you live and view your life from that moment on. Throughout my whole struggle with anorexia, I always had a close walk with Christ. I will be honest, I did wonder and question God on why the whole ordeal could not just end, and VERY QUICKLY, I might add! I was in fact able to stay confident that this whole "rough patch" was not a waste, but could and would be used for His glory. Praise God that I was one of the 50% or so that is able to fullly recover from an eating disorder and be TOTALLY FREE!

I am so thankful that he saw fit to use such a low point in my life, to reach out to others. What an amazing journey it has been. I am overjoyed to know that NOTHING is impossible to God. He is able" to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine"(Eph. 3:20). I have been totally free from an eating disorder for 9 years now, and many opportunities have arisen for me to share that experience with others, and hopefully encourage them to not give up the fight. Being able to go into schools, community groups, and churches and educate and encourage people of all ages, has been a very humbling experience. In every setting that I have shared in, eating disorders have affected handfuls of people in some way, shape, or form. And it is pretty much guaranteed that everyone, if not affected by an eating disorder, their self-image has most certainly been impacted .

Fuel.... it is what is needed for anything to race. Whether it be food, gas, energy, or just mental endurance, it is the underlying mechanism that makes things work. Part of the race for me right now, is encouraging, and sharing with others their unique importance and beauty that is found most importantly, in the eyes of Christ. The fuel that is moving me, is the compassion and understanding that I gleamed through the many years of struggle and hardship. Not only my own, but those of the people I met during that time.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2Cor. 1:3,4