Eating disorders are so misunderstood. Mostly due to the fact, that they are so secretive, and those struggling with them are embarrassed/ashamed to share. Even after all this time, I myself, do not completely understand. I know many are wondering what it is like for those with an eating disorder, and why they don't just stop the silly behavior. I am going to do something that I have not done before, and that is to share a journal excerpt from a few weeks before my first hospitalization. Meaning, near one of the hardest times for me with the eating disorder. The struggle to get rid of the disorder is very evident here.
January 1st, 1996
I hate this! Is it ever, ever, ever going to end? Why do I do this to myself? I'm causing way too many problems, and hurting too many people! Everyone is so fed up with me - I don't know where to turn or go. I love my parents so much, and I absolutely can't stand what I am doing to them. Why? Why can't I change? I've just yet ruined another meal. I hate myself for making others get upset so much. Do they understand how hard it is to change? It is SO FRUSTRATING! I know what to do and I think I can do it, but when I try to do it something stops me. What is it that's in the way? How am I ever going to get better? It is so weird...sometimes I think all is okay but at times like this it seems like there is no way out. I want to know if anyone truly understands. Where is my life headed? Why do I have to go through this? This seems like a never ending roller coaster- will I ever get through it? I feel so weird lately, so cluttered. I don't know what I think, want or wish anymore. Everything I do I am not satisfied. It's like I have millions of thoughts running through my mind, and I can't focus on any of them. Problems seem to have magnified by 100 times, and are cluttering my head. I wish that I could go away, far, far away. I just want to take a break from everything. I have to weigh 100 lbs. on Wed. the 3rd, and I know that I'm no where near it. I'm ruining my life, and I have no idea why. I've lost touch with God, and I want to go back to Him, and I hear Him calling me, but the path is covered in a thick fog. My life has become such a mess. I lie a lot, I am very moody and my thinking process has changed. I'm searching for something, and I'm not sure what. Maybe God, but I thought I already knew Him. I don't think I'm as close to Him as I try to appear. I have become such a snot towards my parents. I don't want to do the things I do. Whenever I get ready to fall and give it all to God, I get really close to doing it, and then something grabs me, and pulls me back down. I want to know what has such a control over me...Satan? Constantly there is a battle raging inside of me- it wears me down. I feel like I'm being pulled in 100's of different directions. I'm also worried...I don't want my sister to watch and do the same thing-it's too scary! At times like this I want so bad to just give up-run away or sleep forever. But yet I know that realistically that won't solve a thing. But this just seems to great to overcome. What is it going to take for me to get better? I don't want to go to some hospital. I wish I never had to go through this. Only time will tell.
Struggling with an eating disorder, and truly wanting to be free, was such an overwhelming battle. I can not even put into words how controlling the entire situation was. I felt powerless to change. Maybe it was because I was looking at the whole picture and trying to figure it all out instead of how recovery happened....one small step at a time. Whatever the case may be, the journey to freedom was a good 6 years long, and much was lost, yet much was gained. Maybe the key to getting a better understanding of eating disorders, and those issues that plague us, is to open up and be real ......share with others our battles. We may be surprised what we learn,the many ways that we grow, and who we may meet along the way.
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